the one that got away

i yearn for the things i would never truly act upon. poetry helps me make sense of it

this is a poem i wrote about my childhood best friend. we fell in love before we knew what it was, but it was never the right time.

i truly believe our love never went away, and it exists despite the fact that i haven’t seen him since that sweet, summer day – though some part of me knows that if he came back, it still would never work for us to be together.

the first time i saw our names together

we were eleven and twelve and

seated across from each other

for language arts

you were the first man

to push me up against the wall

but it was innocent

we were only children playing basketball

i didn’t know what it meant

to love and to want

when i was so small

but i knew your name held meaning above all

in our own strange dance

we held each other close

without ever even lifting a finger

our love only spoke in the summer

but we know it always lingered

and when years had passed

after you had left our state to my dismay

you found yourself on my street

but i had been stolen away

my lover was slowly killing me

you saw the bruises by my eyes

but you didn’t judge me, old friend

you told me i was never one to lay down and die

i called you mature

we both shared a laugh

you were even kind enough not to remind me

how many times we had missed our chance

and you paid for our meal

and we were done

i went back to my abuser

you turned twenty-one

by the time i ever saw sweet freedom’s light

you had left again to travel

you had already booked your flight

now i have been alone

for months and months and months

i think i see things clearly now

because i haven’t stopped missing you once

last summer you met my cold, dead gaze

with love and compassion and cold beer and iced sweet tea

you didn’t call me an addict, you didn’t try to hit me

you opened your car door for me all too sweetly

and i wish i fell against you once more

and asked you to save me

we were old enough then

to kiss and to touch

but i was trapped and a victim of lost lust

when wasted wistfulness was so sublime

there was never a day where you were truly mine

and i think the memory has changed slowly with time

it didn’t feel natural on that sweet, summer day

it didn’t feel right when you paid for our meal

and i didn’t think about your hand

resting on my thigh as you drove

i didn’t imagine kissing you

and i didn’t cry when you left for your new home

why, then, won’t you ever leave my mind?

as much as i say i wanted you, i can’t remember a time

where a blush crept across my face

as your hands moved along my waist

maybe the idea of our love is only safe

because it’s stuck so far away.

thank you for reading this poem. it is an excerpt from my poetry book “temptations of a splintered heart” which you can find on this site or on amazon. as an independent author it means the world that you took the time to read this piece and i hope you have a lovely day or night wherever you are.